| Difficulties frequently arise within relationships when one party becomes too controlling. The person who is being controlled can feel lost and disengaged from their own decision making process. And eventually, may not feel able to stand up for themselves and make decisions with out consulting the controller. In this type of extreme circumstance the controlling can be viewed as abusive behavior, and could even progress to violence.
Means of Control
Defining the other person: The person who controls comes up with ways to describe the other person which over time, become the reality of the relationship. Example: “Why is it always about you? You always have to be the center of attention.”
Diminishing: The controller diminishes the other person’s authentic self to create justification for stepping in and taking control. Example: “Why can’t you do anything right? You are such a loser.”
Isolating: The controlling person loses their grip when the other person has social contacts that are a source of validation. Example: “I do not want you spending time with people from work. Your family doesn’t know what they are talking about; don’t talk to them about our business.”
Verbal abuse: This type of controlling is abusive and includes name calling, blaming, withholding praise and encouragement, and offering judgment or criticism instead. The verbal abuse may take the form of giving commands or making threats.
Individuals living with unaddressed verbal abuse may also be at risk for physical domestic violence, which is a crime.
Creating Some Positive Changes:
Many controlling people are surprised to learn that someone else thinks they are behaving in a controlling manner. From the controller’s perspective they are just trying to get close to the other person by sharing their thoughts about how to do things, but they have little empathy for the person who is under their control. When the controlled person resists the controller it leaves the person attempting to control feeling lost and abandoned.
This type of relationship can be filled with conflict and they often end with a bitter breakup. With the help of a skilled therapist both the person who controls and the person who is controlled can gain a better understanding of why the controlling situation occurred. And, explore the reasons for entering into this type of relationship while learning new ways of relating so that future relationships are healthy. |
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